even the caterpillar grieves
Quotes from the well-meaning:
"Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet."
"There are drugs for that."
3 out of 1000 births to women at age 35 end in a baby with Down Syndrome.
1-2 out of 1000 births, period end in a mother with postpartum psychosis.
Small percentages. But similar. I'm concerned with the second statistic which I find significantly scarier. Yet, everyone wants me to do all kinds of tests for the former, while no one is concerned with talking to me about the latter. I'm really not suggesting we start adhering to slippery slope logic or false analogies here, but don't we love to look at dissimilar things next to each other? The two topics both fall under the umbrella of pregnancy at least – a comparison closer than you'll find in any political debate I'd venture to say. We conveniently don’t extend our affection for easily packaged numbers stripped of all other qualitative data to where it doesn't serve our particular spin on the culture of fear. Welcome to mine. Spin, spin, spin. I'm more than dizzy.
I'm getting a harsh message here: Dear Expectant Moms, This is an exciting time for you! So remember, Do away with your baby if that child can't fully contribute the next consumerized Britney Spears generation because of a mental "deficiency." If you yourself are in mental danger after you have produced a healthy, normal consumer, fuck you. Love, Society at Large
Lack of ritual and community caretaking is cited as one of the top reasons postpartum depression is so common in the US. Lack of recognition of not just a new baby, but a new mom and all that that transition means. Judgement starts early and failure to cope is criminal. (–"Aren't you excited?!" – "So excited!")
Scattered about the house are wedding pictures of my husband and I. Us three years ago. Smiling, barefoot on the beach. Dancing under a soft camera filter. I told my husband that I get sad sometimes in looking at these pictures. I think about how we'll never be that again. Our whole paradigm is being altered. Change is hard. But not necessarily for this man I married. "I only see gain," he tells me. Goddamn optimists. To hell with them all. At this point I have a choice. I can go, "Yeah, gain. I see it now! Oh honey!" and wait for the real feelings of despair and loss to surface again, maybe on a night when the dishes are spilling out of the sink and the litter pan stinks and I lash out at him, ostensibly about housework. Or, I can restate my feelings of sadness and risk looking like a big poop.
Of course, your basic post partum depression is less severe and much more common than psychosis, though still nothing to be sneezed at. Even if you think I'm being extremist and unreasonable in my assessment of things (which, uh, I'm not), there's still a point to be made. Jonathan Swift's A Modest Proposal made a point too. Was he being unreasonable? Woops! There I go again making those odd analogies. Bad mom, bad mom.
On a more enlightened day, that husband guru of mine tells me, "I bet even the caterpillar grieves." I bet it does.
All I want is some guarantee that I'll get postpartum recognition time – like a month, not uncommon in many cultures of the world. A support net – something this culture only has a word for to describe its lack of one. A place to figure out who I'm becoming. And with those things I might be less afraid of falling into the black hole that is depression – the cyclical monster that tells me I feel like shit and I'm wrong to feel like shit. I've only ever experienced it without a baby to take care of. How much more intense the guilt and shame if it happens babe in arms? How do I create those things I need in this cultural context? These, my current challenges.
Stumble It!
5 comments:
i only just met tracy about 48 hours ago, but she thinks i'm funny, so we know she is very wise. she's absolutely right about the virtual community. one way to fight post partum is with community. virtual, spiritual, outside on the sidewalk. people have babies just all the time, so there is always a community of mothers. these are not necessarily people with whom you would become friends under other circumstances, but they can be your greatest allies.
another way to fight the depression is exercise and fresh air.the hardest thing to do is get dressed and go out and talk to people when you really want to stay in your pajamas all day, but its always a good idea. i say take that kid to swimming lessons. sit in the trunk if you have to. the more fresh air the better.
yes, living with mike is like discovering you have all these extra opposable thumbs or something - like anything is possible. but i keep to my original assessment: damned optimist.
okay, current list of virtual community support network: 1)Ruby 2)Tracy. I'm holding you to this!
I've worried about this post-partum depression stuff for a while now, and i'm not even pregnant yet! (don't worry, no optimist here.) You know I've experienced depression before, and thoughts of having it with a baby, too...that's scary. If it helps, you can always talk to me. I may not share what you're feeling, but you never have to worry about what you say to me.
Barb
Thanks, Barb!
At my request, Mike read the postpartum disorders sections of the books and in his usual, buoyant, optimistic way, came away with this silver lining: "The good things about the psychosis," he beamed at me, "is that it occurs immediately after birth. So, I'll be here with you then!" "And we'll know right away if I've cracked up?" I ask. "Right!" I need a milkshake.
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