valentine’s day headlines

This just in. A warning on this Valentine’s Day: studies have confirmed that men may cause pregnancy in women.

In a separate study, it was also concluded that, like the age-old rumor suggests, the male species does in fact have "cooties". Scientists gathered empirical evidence on the subject from playgrounds worldwide over a four-year period. The Center for Disease Control had no comment at press time.

(Of course, if you get pregnant now, you still have time for that 2005 tax break. But, hey, I’m just getting swept away in the romance of it all.)

In a brilliant marketing move, Tums has decided to merge with the company that makes those little conversation hearts. The new antacid hearts, designed to be laid out to form long, sentences of shaky syntax especially for that preggo in your life, will include sentiments like "I’m sure it’s a girl" "Nice boobs" "Your first?" "My niece just had a baby and…" and "Get the epidural". A special family values edition will contain phrases that support the moral fabric of society and can be used with preggos of questionable character. For example, in place of that long time favorite "Marry Me", Tums will print them as "I’ll Marry You".

Happy Valentine’s Day from K-PREG.