the goddess within

We’ve recently borrowed a book from the library on techniques for calming a crying infant. I haven’t really read it yet. You see, whenever I try, my infant cries. Dilemma.

Although we haven’t read in any detail, we’ve scanned "the list". You know the list, don’t you? The list always consists of something like "The 12 Ps of Making Chili" or "The four Ws of (fill in the blank)." This one is all about Ss. So far, my husband has tried the Swaddling technique with some success, while I’m all about the Shushing, that is, white noise.

The whole idea surrounding these techniques is that you mimic the environment of the womb. The Swaddling – okay you get it. The white noise? Well, yes, according to this approach, the center for the creation of life sounds a bit like AM radio. I guess I never thought about it terribly hard, but if I had, I think I would have liked to imagine that the sound system of my womb might hearken of maybe a symphony, for example. Not the classical music that makes you want to puke (although it would seem that could be what’s on in the first trimester), but the really incredible kind of music that makes you think – "Geeeez, I wanna play the violin." Apparently, that’s not at all what’s going on in there. The uterus bops along to sounds closer to, say, a hair dryer. Who would have thought that the Goddess and Vidal Sassoon would have so much in common? Maybe the Goddess is indeed using a hair dryer. Maybe the Goddess is having a permanent bad hair day, which would explain a hell of a lot about the world.

For the last three days, I have put my baby to sleep to the lullaby of my very own, "pro-style", travel ready, hair dryer. It’s working pretty well. This could change children’s music forever. Titles on bedtime CDs might start to include things like "Daddy’s Electric Razor Goes Whir Whir Whir" and "Chainsaw Serenade." All this time we’ve been singing to kids, when really they just wanted to listen to the ceiling fan motor.

It’s possible the Goddess is just scrambling the signal in there so that the forces of evil can’t find the tiny new lives. Do you think babies hear a message in all that noise? Like, Paul is dead, or the winning Lotto numbers? Do you think it has meaning for them?

Mr. Sassoon, I’m appealing to you directly. – Spill the secrets of the Universe!