Friday, August 24, 2007

open letter to the Uber-Mom

Listen, we need to talk. Things are hard enough around here. You think I want to listen to how after searching and searching, you finally located the sippy cups made of some magical material that doesn’t leech toxins into your kid’s system? Hurray. Hurrah.

Now, look, the human race will go on not because of you and your greeny, green, green, lala, overachiever, making the rest of us look bad ways, but thanks to those of us who continue to give our toddlers the bot-bots they are madly attached to – the ones they chewed the (toxic) nipple half off of, putting them at risk of not just leeching but swallowing bits of the (toxic) plastic. We’re talking the difference between garlic powder and whole fucking cloves. I’ve seen the fish with legs on your hybrid, sweetheart, so I know you’ll follow along when I explain that that (toxic) plastic will assist in our genetic evolution after all the farm land has been turned into subdivisions and vineyards and we are forced to wash down our asphalt lunch with a (fruity yet earthy, wood-like flavored) Pinot Noir. Our kids with (toxic) plastic running through their veins will survive the shit out of your pussy-footed little organic baby doll.

And could you PLEASE not ALWAYS be so freakin’ excited to see your kid – the whole crouching down, sneaking quietly up to the door of the preschool grinning like a ninny to peer in on little pooka-pooka, then sweeping button-button up like you’ve been separated for weeks? Okay, so maybe I should slow the car down just a tad more as I throw open the door and honk for Isaac, but you really push things too far.


PS - Check it out - I'm the featured reader on mamazine.com today. (They may regret that after this entry...)

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You go, Kitty! Kick some green-momma butt! Jude

Anonymous said...

Ummm, I wonder if it's me you're referring to. I can't argue with your blog -- it's so well written!!! Maybe we can be friends? I have some research I want to share with you. How about a sprout sandwich at the co-op after next class?

(He he he. Did your heart just skip a beat? Are you off the hook here on purpose cause you know you be on mamazine.com?

In all seriousness, I would also be the kind of mom who is researching the sippy cups, but if our kids are going to wed and produce offspring, they'll have the best of both worlds -- toxic and not.... :-)

Barb)

Kitty said...

Barb,

You aren't the mother pictured, but we'll see what I discover this weekend when I see you in action.
;-)

The irony is that the woman who did inspire this I actually like, but lately...And I've resisted writing this for a while until it finally burst out in the open letter form.

I am also, of course, a greeny green green mom, but some people outdo me in ways that make me want to choke them... or at least put my feet up on my rare wood coffee table and eat endangered seafood from styrofoam take out containers.

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