blather, apologies in advance

For a while it’s that I don’t have time to write down what I’m composing in my brain, and then, after that goes on too long, it’s that I don’t have anything in my brain any more. The past six and a half months have been like walking uphill with my head down against the wind. My free time is like New Year’s Eve – much hyped and anticipated and never quite reaching the heights of fun and excitement that threatened to besiege the participants. I’m past the time when naps are enough. At one point, just to sleep was really all I needed. Now my expectations have risen, my boredom has pushed me to want to do more. But what? It took me the longest time to realize that some of what I was was bored. I was bored being with an infant all day. The energy it takes to take care of him is coupled with the energy it takes to manufacture things to do to make the time pass.

I am still mad. Mad at not being able to change this situation of the anti-community in time to help myself. Mad that a new week is coming and again AGAIN my husband will leave me alone with our baby for hours and hours, five days in a row. Mad that I am so tired I can’t begin to tackle the events of the outside world and yet I’ve never been more concerned about what is happening. I change diapers and meanwhile the world turns, making that sound that old rollercoasters make before the drop, ratcheting slowly toward a screaming descent. Or maybe we’re already over the top.

My small babe fights himself to nap. Yells for peace and quiet. Wriggles and squawks in an attempt to return to the dream world I imagine he came from. Who can blame him? I couldn’t fix things before he got here. Finally, he relaxes in my arms. On the way to put him down, I pass the mirror. And there we are. His small frame collapsed against my rib cage. His face turned toward where he used to live.

I’m exhausted, I have a cold- my second in less than two months, and there is mold growing in my bedroom closet. I’m not supposed to be somebody’s mother. It eliminates the option of giving up and I’ve always been quite fond of that option. What on my list of things to do will save the world? "Organize pictures"? "Buy cat food"? "Post Blog"? What can I say I’ve done for this baby and the rest of us today?